Chapter Four |
“I was talking to my mum, nice and normal and she comes out with ‘Have you been harming yourself?’ I go, ‘No...I aint a slasher’, trying to laugh off the matter and she says, ‘Oh I thought you were after some attention.’ So my mum is yet another person who thinks self-harm is only for attention. I can’t tell her about it ever now.” (www.Psyke.org 2001) Even while their acts of self-harm block out the issues that eat away at them, there’s always one thing that keeps them on edge. Fear. The constant worry of being caught with their scars or wounds. Being found out. A lack of understanding in our society is detrimental to self-harmers, and impedes their road to recovery. Because those in the micro and macro worlds do not know enough about this controversial coping mechanism, they react and respond with disgust, horror and anger, and especially if it is discovered that a family member or friend is self-harming. There was a study conducted in England several years ago to discover how many adolescents self-harmed. They surveyed over 40 schools, questioning 6020 students in their adolescent years. 398 of those students were reported to have deliberately inflicted pain upon themselves at some stage. That result is only 6.9% of the 6000 or so pupils. It doesn’t seem like a large number, but then you factor in the reality that the 6.9% was derived of students from every school. (British Medical Journal article November 2002 pg 325) After analysing these results, I discovered how self-injury is not as unusual as one may originally believe. After incorporating these results, it is likely that the number of people who would be self-harming at my school could be quite possibly between 20 to even 70 students. While there would be a relatively small percentage of self-harmers in the world, there would be an even larger percentage of people who are connected to someone in their micro world who does harm to themselves, whether it be family or friends. The shame that is felt by self-injurers also affects their thoughts and feelings, because even they see what they do as not being “normal”. People’s morbid curiousity about scars and wounds, and their questions of “Where did that come from?” or “How did that happen?” can be highly embarassing for the individual. It can become quite difficult to cover up the injuries during summer, since the common places for these injuries are on the limbs (arms and legs etc), so many self-harmers choose to swelter in the blistering heat in long sleeved jumpers and pants. There were at least 6 out of the 10 people that I interviewed who suffered in the summers from wearing long sleeved clothing, after having self-harmed in visible places. “I really can’t win either way. If I let anyone see what I’ve done, I’m considered a freak. If I cover them up, I’m considered a freak because I wear jumpers in the middle of summer. Really. There’s no happy medium.” (Interview #4) In order to avoid these risky confrontations, individuals who self-injure will become isolated, withdrawing themselves from activities and social events. The danger of being exposed can be so overwhelming for some that the anxiety it creates can even become a trigger for self-abuse. (www.psyke.org 2001) It is difficult to distinguish the emotions felt during SI, because of the fact that self injury in itself is used to alter or surpress negative emotions, so it cannot be clearly determined. The act of self-injury in itself is, in a way, very similar to a ritual. Through my interviews with current self-harmers, I discovered that there is a particular environment, instruments, time, procedure and setting that will be repeated by the individual everytime they go to harm themselves. Usually, the environment is at home, in their bedroom or bathroom, when they are alone; and most often the time is at night, when there is less chance of being caught. There may be a particular set of “instruments” that may be used; a blade, kitchen knife, glass shard, lighter, etc. The person may follow certain steps each time, for example, as an interviewee said, “I’d wait til maybe... 1am, when there’s no chance of anyone walking in on me. I put my favourite CD into my discman, lay out all my stuff on a dark towel; knife, blade, matches, tissues and antiseptic. I’d light some candles and place them all around me in the centre of the room, and then I’d begin.” (Interviewee #4) While there are many and varied reasons as to why someone would begin to inflict damage upon themselves, there is only one reason as to why they’d continue. When the body is wounded, it responds by sending endorphins into the system to reduce the pain and to assist healing processes. But at the same time, it produces a feeling of euphoria within the person, calming them down, and in some cases, can be sexually arousing. (Psychairatry online 2000) Due to this feeling that is created when a person self harms, they see it as a “quick fix”. But it does come with a cost. The endorphin rush becomes a chemical dependency, one that can be obtained through the person’s own body. An individuals system will eventually build up a resistance to the endorphins, therefore, the person must harm themselves for a longer period of time, and more severely in order to achieve their “high”. In essence, as I have theorised, self-injury is a drug addiction. |